All men are created equal. After that, it's up to you.

How can you possibly be sympathetic to every fool on the planet? Just the other day, I heard a man whining about his hopeless love of cross-dressing. Call me unenlightened, but I started to laugh.

A nation that spends billions to fix international problems will not have much left over for the victims of tornadoes in Oklahoma.

The only rules not meant to be broken are those of love and virtue.

You take all the offensive linemen and put them in a burlap bag, and then you take a baseball bat and beat on the bag. You’re sacking them. You’re bagging them. And that’s what you’re doing with a quarterback.

When I was a teenager, I was so dumb my mamma knocked me off the porch with a broom. You wish you had so good a mamma.

Anytime you go upside a man's head - or a woman - then they have a tendency to blink they eyes. Or close they eyes.