When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table.

Brother, you can't go to jail for what you're thinking, or that look in your eye, just standing on the corner watching all the girls go by.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.

If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let'em. That's how I got here, you know.

The whole world is drunk and we're just the cocktail of the moment. Someday soon, the world will wake up, down two aspirin with a glass of tomato juice, and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.