any criticism heard secondhand sounds worse than it would face to face. Words spoken out of our presence strike us as more powerful, just as people we know only by reputation seem larger than life.

To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued.

In dialogue, there is opposition, yes, but no head-on collision. Smashing heads does not open minds.

Part of the reason images of women in positions of authority are marked by their gender is that the very notion of authority is associated with maleness.

The Pavlovian view of women voters - plug the words in, and they will respond - sends a chill down my spine because it sounds like an adaptation of something I have written about communication between the sexes: When a woman tells a man about a problem, she doesn't want him to fix it; she just wants him to listen and let her know he understands. But there's a difference between a private conversation and a presidential election, between what we want from our leaders.

In an ongoing relationship, each current criticism packs the punches of all the others that have gone before.

For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships.