I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

Kids are incredibly expensive. But it pays off later when they are better educated, bigger, and better-looking than you. And find you incessantly boring and uncool.

I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens.

It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'

The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

I think all priests should be married.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.