If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.

Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate.

Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.

My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come to New York.

If the world somehow actually ends tomorrow, let all forget about the Mayans and just agree it`s the NHL`s fault

I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God.

There are some guys I know for a fact, like Louis C.K., who always talk about how not-great of an actor he is, and he's terrific on his show. But I know Louis would play a fantastic dramatic role in something, too. He just needs somebody to grab him and say, "Come in here and do this."