Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

My goal is to leave this planet with the biggest carbon footprint I can possibly leave.

I'm the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, the freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of BBQ ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buskets of cheese, okay? I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal?

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

The Social Wishlist on Facebook is a great example of everything right about social media.

It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'