You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.