After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.