The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.