Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.