It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.