I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.