I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator