Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.