And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.