Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.