Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table, so don't piss in the finger bowls, all right? Thank you. In return for unfettered economic opportunity and no government death squads, try to get along with your new stepmotherland, and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.