Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?

I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that 'Bush is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.