Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.