The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.

The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.