The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we've now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty - in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.