I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I rant, therefore I am

Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.