I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."