My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

I'd rather be funny than wise.