My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

Electronic devices dislike me. There is never a day when something isn't ailing.

You would have to be naive to think you can appear on television and not have the material edited in some way.

Sloppy language leads to sloppy thought, and sloppy thought to sloppy legislation.

I have never been converted to or even had much interest in spiritualism, occultism, Swedenborgianism or any particular religion. And I never, except occasionally for a laugh, visit the quacks who call themselves psychics.

When I'm doing an appearance somewhere and taking questions from the audience, I can always count on: 'Tell about the guy who died on your show!'

I get a kick out of people saying I was funny.