Nobody is going to try to confiscate guns, although some Web sites know better: President Obama, they are certain, wants to.

By the time I was in the fourth grade, I sounded exactly like my father on the phone.

Every time someone says, 'You know, we really ought to get together,' if I were really honest, I would ask 'Why?'

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

I like when the ice gets thin, the going gets rough, the guests get edgy.

I hate Danny Kaye movies.

It's no fun being a specimen.