I think we live in an age of increasing mediocrity.

History is not reassuring on the subject of the longevity of seemingly lasting great nations, is it?

By the time I was in the fourth grade, I sounded exactly like my father on the phone.

All three of my parents - I also had a stepmother - were teachers, and my dad taught high school, and as he always reminded me when I was going to spend some money on something, 'Your mother and I, in the Depression, had to decide whether to spend a dime on a loaf of bread or if we could go to a movie with it.'

Years have passed since I have set foot in a comedy club. If the comic is doing badly it's painful, and if the comic is doing brilliantly, it's extremely painful.

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.