When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

That's easy, to stand in a nightclub, where most of the people that come in, they came to see you.

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.

Eating liver out of a cow's body is like eating the filter out of a car.