Wouldn't it be a helluva joke if all this were really burnt cork and you people were being tolerant for nuthin'?

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.

I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.

...Humans were the only creatures in the world that ate their food cooked. You'd never find a Gorilla frying up some bananas for dinner or a lion charcoal-broiling a zebra steak. Cats don't often run to the oven with a mouse or bird they've captured, and a dog wouldn't naturally prepare its rabbit dinner in a stew.

Pets are found to suffer from all the ailments known to the human.