In the South they don't mind how close I get, so long as I don't get too big. In the North they don't mind how big I get, so long as I don't get too close.

Don't have a high school diploma? You're in my Cabinet. Why? For 200 years, a lot of Cabinets have existed in our government. Powerful men. Well-educated. So let's try something totally new.

Laughter is the best way to release tensions and fears.

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living.

I am one of the funniest people on the planet.