If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

What price would God demand from the churches for having the audacity to lighten the color of his son's skin, and straighten out his nappy hair?

Life isn't a race. It's a relay.

...Humans were the only creatures in the world that ate their food cooked. You'd never find a Gorilla frying up some bananas for dinner or a lion charcoal-broiling a zebra steak. Cats don't often run to the oven with a mouse or bird they've captured, and a dog wouldn't naturally prepare its rabbit dinner in a stew.

When you've got something really good, you don't have to force it on people. They will steal it!

The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.