Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.

...Humans were the only creatures in the world that ate their food cooked. You'd never find a Gorilla frying up some bananas for dinner or a lion charcoal-broiling a zebra steak. Cats don't often run to the oven with a mouse or bird they've captured, and a dog wouldn't naturally prepare its rabbit dinner in a stew.

I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

If democracy is such a good thing, let's have more of it.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'