Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

I don't do impressions.

When you talk about George Burns you're talking about a living legend . . . well, a legend, anyhow.

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.