I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

In the old days, that was my ad-lib for hecklers in the joints I worked. It stuck with me. I hardly say it now, say, to fans, even though people do send me hockey pucks.

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.

That I walk around calling people 'dummy' and 'hockey puck'. I do have a different life apart from being sarcastic on stage. I might kibitz around with my friends, but I'm nothing like the person who does stand up. Nothing like that.