If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

I was with George Washington at Valley Forge, sitting around before an attack... gimme a break. That's over 70 years ago already.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

Everything I do on stage, I made up in saloons. I started doing it in front of people, and that became my performance. I never had writers.

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.