You started rapping when you wasn't good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.

One thing my dad once said to me, "You either want to be right, or you want to be happy. To be happy, there's gotta be a conversation."

The thing about stand-up was, not only was I getting to write it without anybody saying I couldn't do it, but I got to perform it. It just kind of became therapy for me. I had just gotten through a break-up and I was talking about it a lot.

I personally don't believe people really grow. They just learn stuff when they were a kid, and hold on to it, and that affects every relationship they have.

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.

Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!