The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful. So you might as well live.

If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

Gratitude - the meanest and most snivelling attribute in the world.

She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw — I don't say she will, but she can.

[On hearing that President Coolidge was dead:] How can you tell?

Somebody was using the pencil.