The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.