Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.

I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.