Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.

The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.

I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.

I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.