The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.