The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.