Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.