Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.