I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

I've got better things to do than read rubbish about myself.

Idioms are a big thing in Ireland. They want to fill the time, to show how good they are at talk - it's a talk-off

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.