The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'

I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!