If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then."

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.