Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette."

Spiders frighten me. In response to the spider alerts for Australia, please can the Australian government remove all spiders from Australia and blow them into outer space.

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.