My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

But puberty was... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.