It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.

When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.