He [Charlie Chaplin] was always playing as if it were to the camera, if you've seen the live shots of him when he's going to an opening night or something like that. And the skills that he had were beyond my ability to throw together. You just couldn't really compete with him. He was too athletic at that.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!