You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?