I tell the truth, and it has gotten me into a lot of trouble. My dad used to say to me, 'If you tell the truth all day long, you will end up in jail.'

I think it's the wrong way around to say when you get older move to the country. I think when you get older you move to New York. If you're a nice broad they'll look after you.

It's a pain in the ass, show business. And the only time that I really enjoy it is when I'm in front of an audience and they're reacting to me.

Easy does it is what I'm looking for.

Everybody's got a sack of rocks.

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny.

Two drinks a day. Two drinks a day. TWO DRINKS A DAY! It doesn't work! Not when you want eleven, and not when you start shopping for wine glasses in the vase department at Bloomingdales.