My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.

I watch people's behavior and notice things. I think that's why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

I admire people who know they can't sing. There are so many people out there who can't sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot.

And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue. They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. What about the bangs are they shorter?! Are the bangs shorter?! The bangs!

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really?... Get my sandwich.'