People give me such a hard time because I don't wear dresses. What's that got to do with anything?

You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.

I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God. They don't harbour resentment.

Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.

Haiku sounds like I'm Saying hi to someone named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.